[00:00:37] Vesna: Welcome to the Peak Revival Podcast. My name is Vesna. I'm gonna talk about why change feels hard, even if it's something that you really want.
[00:00:44] Vesna: If you've ever started something and not finished or sabotaged your way through, or wonder why you can't make the changes that you want, even though you really want them, then I'm gonna talk about that in this episode. Or what's at the heart of
[00:00:57] change or why change is so hard. One of the questions that came up in our coaching group was, you know, women were asking like,
[00:01:06] “why do I start things
[00:01:07] and not finish them?”
[00:01:08] Why does it feel so hard to change a diet or change a habit?
[00:01:11] And I've been doing this work for a long time, and I have to say when we are looking at changing our diet or our personal habits, it brings up a lot of stuff for people, right? Some people. Find that they really have to use a lot of effort to push through that. Some people just have a meltdown, right?
[00:01:29] I remember once we asked a woman to go get some gluten-free oats and she, you know, almost tore the group down online, like it was crazy reaction. And some people just don't complete things. They don't finish things and. They look at it as self-sabotage and wonder what is going on there. Right? So one of the things that I've noticed is that changing your health and changing your patterns can often bring up a lot of triggers, and I wanna explain what is underneath all of [00:02:00] that.
[00:02:00] it's rarely a lack of discipline. It's rarely a lack of willpower, right? So sometimes we are not doing the right thing. So if someone's given you some trendy, restrictive diet or something, and it's hard for you to follow through, it's because actually your body is just like. I don't need more pressure right now.
[00:02:16] I need to feel safe and relaxed. Right? So there's definitely the method, the protocol, the thing that you're doing that could be not aligned to what you need right now. But when I look at the behavioral reasons why we struggle to change is that it comes down to we struggle with safety.
[00:02:36] Our nervous system will prioritise safety overgrowth, right? What we habitually do feels more comfortable, even though it makes us unwell than trying something new because it challenges our identity.
[00:02:50] And when I talk about identity, it's like who you identify as being. So someone that is. You know, high performing or a great mom or an athlete or whatever. You identify as, right? And so I wanna give you some examples of what I mean, because it doesn't, 'cause once you shift your identity, you are able to shift your patterns, right?
[00:03:11] So our patterns are really tied to our identity, and our identity is really something that we make up. Okay? So it's really, really simple like that. But when I give you a bit more detail, you might be able to see it land. So if you are someone that's really high functioning, you're organized, you're driven, you're successful, then your identity is going to be around output.
[00:03:30] Right. Your safety zone is, if I'm productive, if I'm working really hard and getting great results and achieving, then I'm in a good place. I'm safe. This is good for me, right? This is where the nervous system feels safe and relaxed, but as soon as something's taking you away from that, like requiring time or effort outside of that space where it doesn't look like your normal output, that starts to feel triggering, right?
[00:03:53] It starts to feel like unsafe. So for example, you know, I remember. I explored this, I was like, why [00:04:00] is it that, you know, sometimes I wanna up my training and do like more intense workouts and regularly, so even like training hard every single day, I'm like, why can't I become an athlete if I try to become an athlete?
[00:04:12] I think I'd be really tired because once I really increase my training, I get really tired and when I look at it, I don't prioritise time for recovery because I have to work and. Produce and achieve, right? So my identity is around that high functioning woman who needs the output, the achievement, and to be growing.
[00:04:34] And that's where the focus is, right? So that's where the safety is of my nervous system. So if I'm to pull that away and go, okay, I wanna train harder, which means I need more recovery time, naturally, I won't be able to work as much. And that. Is just in my nervous system, doesn't feel safe, so therefore I get fatigued.
[00:04:52] But on an, on a different level, right? So that doesn't seem worthwhile. So I don't, I'm just like, oh, I'm too tired. I can't keep doing that. Right? Do you see what I mean? Like it's, it's almost becomes a choice, but it's so unconscious that we don't see it. And so maybe you're a high functioning woman and output is part of your identity, but there's something else that threatens that.
[00:05:12] Maybe it's not trying to be an athlete, right? Maybe it's. trying to bring in a hobby or trying to do something else, whatever that something else is that you've tried, but it takes your time away from achieving and therefore threatens your identity, right? Because that is so, important because it's, it often runs us.
[00:05:31] We don't notice it. It's very unconscious, but that is so important that you are not willing to sacrifice your time away from your output to do this other thing. And maybe it's cooking, right? Women say to me, I don't like to cook. Okay. But it's gonna be really important if you wanna be healthy. So therefore you are not taking that time away from your output to cooking, which is not a high achievement, which is not, you know, no one's gonna recognize that and say, oh, she's doing an amazing job in the kitchen there.
[00:05:59] do you know what I mean? [00:06:00] Like, so you're not taking that. Time away from your output and pulling it into there so the value isn't there, right? It's here. 'cause that's where your nervous system feels safe. That's where it's used to operating from. That's where it's accustomed to being in that place, right?
[00:06:14] And as soon as it starts to feel triggering as you're doing something new, is because the nervous system is like, mm-hmm God gotta keep my focus here, right? This feels safe, this feels comfortable. This is a safe zone. This is where slowing down feels like a threat. This is where resting feels like a threat.
[00:06:30] you know, anything that takes you away from your work a holiday for a long time or switching off or going offline starts to feel like a threat, you start to feel unsafe because our identity is tied into that.
[00:06:44] And then we can also look at the busy mom. 'cause one of the other things that the women said in the program, but I'm a really busy mom, but I don't know if that's just an excuse. Like I am a busy mom, but other busy moms can make it happen. So what's going on there? Right? So we have to look at, is this 100% true that every busy mom can't change their diet or can't go for a walk in the morning or can't change something about their life, right?
[00:07:04] Is that a hundred percent true? No. Okay. Now again, I'm not going to be saying, oh, that makes you, you know, not an efficient person or whatever, right? We're not about pointing fingers, it's about awareness of our own patterns, right? I told you about my pattern. and this is just having awareness of your own patterns in order to make that space.
[00:07:23] So change is much easier and much more effortless.
[00:07:27] So if you're a busy mom. You know, that's something I see all the time, right? It's easy for you to take care of your children's health, make changes there, cook for them, nutritionally, get all the things that they need. Any kind of supplementation, like you will go above and beyond there. But when it comes to you, you're like, I didn't even cook something for me.
[00:07:47] I didn't have any of that. Right. I just snacked and ate standing up and grab what was left over and Right. If any of this is resonating, then it's because a lot of women, their identity is in [00:08:00] being, you know, serving others and that makes them feel valuable and when you are taking care of them.
[00:08:08] You know, and their needs, then you'll feel needed. And it's almost part of that rescuer profile, which I've talked about many times. and it can show up in different ways, right? So when you are helping others, you feel needed and it's like they can't do it without you, right? And so I've identified with a rescuer in my work.
[00:08:26] For forever. not so much anymore. This is definitely something I've been breaking down, but there's a bit of that in that busy mom, right? So your value comes from taking care of the needs of others, and that gives you that permission, right? You feel worthy, it feels stable. It feels safe, right? It gives you that you good mom, right?
[00:08:44] That's a safe zone. Okay? And so as soon as you start to take some of that time back for yourself to go, well, I need to eat well. I need to take care of myself because then I can't take care of my kids. It starts to feel selfish, right? So you don't give yourself permission to do that, right? And so the safe zone for your nervous system is in
[00:09:03] continuing to prioritise
[00:09:06] the needs of others
[00:09:07] above your own.
[00:09:08] And so when you try to make changes for yourself, it's gonna be very hard because the needs of others are never going to stop, right? And so you're always gonna be jumping there and you give no energy over here, right? No time over here. So when you do give yourself time, it feels selfish, right? It doesn't feel like it's allowed, right?
[00:09:25] It feels, that you should be focusing on others. 'cause that's, again, where your nervous system feels. The safest because it's accustomed to it. Right? And it can become even a cultural norm, right? but it really is just a pattern. There is nothing to say that, you know, when you think about it, you should be taking care of yourself.
[00:09:43] Shoulds I don't like, but it's important for you to take care of yourself because how are you gonna show up for others when you are empty and drained and miserable and depressed or resentful? Right. And the other thing about the rescue, which I've talked about before, but the [00:10:00] rescuer doesn't allow people to step up and, be resourceful for themselves.
[00:10:05] So we actually rob people of that. So I've talked about that in another podcast, but I thought I'd just touch on it here, but. If this is you, if you're a busy mom and you are focused on the needs of others and therefore have no time for yourself, then have a look at, this is a trigger for you when you try to change something in your life, right?
[00:10:20] You, I've got no time. It's too hard when you've got kids or whatever, right? Have a look at, this. Identity that you have as the, you know, as a great mom that takes care of everybody else that, you know, has the needs of others prioritised above her own. And, you know, that gives you a sense of value, gives you a sense of self-worth, gives you a sense of, um, safety for the nervous system, right?
[00:10:42] And so as you start to change things, you've gotta be aware that it's going to feel uncomfortable because you're challenging that old identity and that old narrative that you made up. Right. Your sense of worth and value does not come down to being a good mother, okay? You are inherently valuable. You are inherently worthy, okay?
[00:11:02] And so taking a piece of that time for yourself does not change that.
[00:11:06] Another thing that comes up for a lot of people is like, why do I start but I don't finish right? I run outta steam, I run out of motivation. So definitely you need willpower in the beginning, I will always say that, you know, you need to push yourself in the beginning because you need to start breaking habits, and that's why you have willpower, right?
[00:11:20] To be able to make those changes using your mind and your mental power and your willpower, you can make those changes that you need even when you don't have the energy. Even when you don't have the resources, you can make that happen. And as you start building, you build momentum and then it becomes easier and easier.
[00:11:37] But there can also be an identity that you never follow through, right? And so it's, you know, when in our Baba burnout program really talk about becoming a 100% finisher, developing that trait as being one of the most important things that you can do. So whatever it is that you start the program that you commit to becoming a 100% finisher.
[00:11:58] Because the things that I've noticed in my [00:12:00] life before I had that habit is that I would, I would start things and not finish them. You know, I always used to say I was about an 80% finisher. You know, I'd read a book to about the 80% mark, and then I'd put it down and then pick it back up again. I'd write articles about the 80%, Leave it and not finish it. Right. When I'd go to a seminar, I'd stay and I'd leave before the Q and a, right? Because that was, again, that was always a 80% finisher. So really identifying as a 100% finisher instead of someone who identifies as, I never finish anything. So when you look at to do something, right, I'm not gonna finish that.
[00:12:34] Why would I even purchase that or join that? Right. I'm not gonna finish it. So you've got to. I recognize that, that you've shaped that identity, and again, our identity is something that we really make up, right? It's something that we've thought about ourselves over and over and over and over again.
[00:12:51] That becomes our personality or identity. Okay? It's completely made up. And so we can change that by not only just creating a different story, but stepping outside of that, right? Proving it wrong.
[00:13:05] And so, you know, you've gotta be committed, you've gotta have the right system, but you've gotta be aware of where does your, I mean, your identity may not be in those things, right? It may be something else, but I'm hoping that those examples help you to see that actually, when we identify with a particular way, stepping out of that means risk and unsafety And scary for our nervous system. So it's naturally gonna pull back to where it feels safe. And that's why willpower doesn't really work in the long term, right? We need it in the beginning, but long term, because when our nervous system feels unsafe or unregulated, it's naturally gonna look for the safe zone, okay?
[00:13:43] When we don't have awareness of this. So when you have awareness, like you can make a different choice. Like for me, if I wanted to become an athlete, which I don't really, but I pondered the question right? But if I wanted to take my training up a notch, which I do, then I would have to build in more recovery time, which means I have less time for other [00:14:00] things, right?
[00:14:01] And that means that my identity may be challenged, but then I'm going to be shaping something new, right? Because is that really true? Am I just someone who is achievement based and high performing, whatever? Not really, right? There's other elements to me, but. breaking that down. So therefore I can start to do other things in my life instead of just focusing on the one area.
[00:14:23] so the question I'm gonna ask you, so rather than when you are looking at doing other things, making changes in your life, breaking a habit, instead of asking yourself, why can't I do this? What's wrong with me? Or, I just need to try harder, I need more willpower, more discipline. Instead of looking at it from that perspective, ask yourself, what is this new behavior?
[00:14:42] Or what is his old behavior protecting me from? What is this behavior protecting me from feeling or losing? where have I identified myself at? Ask yourself that question. I'd love you to leave me a comment below and let me know.
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