[00:00:00] Vesna: today I'm going to talk about how to step out of the stress drama cycle
[00:00:41] this is a really juicy and it's one of the most powerful things that you can learn if you really see it. It can really transform your life in all areas and I'm going to share about how it's made a massive impact within myself, within my relationship and my business I'm going to talk about it in a very empowering way because sometimes it's spoken about in a very disempowering way, but.
[00:01:03] I have some nuance to it, which will make a huge difference. Okay. So what I'm going to talk about is the drama cycle so it's kind of this psychological framework where we tend to find ourselves caught in a particular area. So we've got the rescuer, we've got the victim and we've got the aggressor. So the rescuer, which is what I have identified with for many years and I didn't know how to get out of that place, felt really stuck in that place.
[00:01:31] So the rescue is trying to save people. the beliefs behind it is don't worry, I'll fix everything for you. So we want to help people, but sometimes we don't. Take on too much and we can make people feel a little bit powerless or helpless to do it on their own. So a rescuer really comes from a nice place because you're trying to help people, but there's underlining reasons for it.
[00:01:53] The second type is the victim. The victim is the kind of language that they use is I can't do it. that's way too hard. It's all too hard and they feel sad. They feel helpless and they think that they can't solve their own problems.
[00:02:05] And then we have the aggressor, which is someone who says, it's all your fault. They blame others. They get angry. They try to control things through their temper. And while all of these types, you may be thinking, well, I don't really identify with any of them. I can assure you, you are sitting in one of them Okay. And I'm going to share with you my story so you could really see this in action.
[00:02:26] So for me as a practitioner, maybe other therapists out there and other practitioners and other carers and people looking after anyone of mothers. We'll relate to this, okay? So as a carer or as a practitioner, I felt like other people's health was my responsibility I took on way too much of their responsibility of their health journey.
[00:02:43] So if they had a problem, it was up to me to fix it. Okay. That was my job. I would try and make things so easy for everyone in order to do so, to make the health changes, to take actions, to make dietary changes, exercise, whatever it is. I would try and make it as easy as possible for them to execute.
[00:03:01] And if they weren't able to do it, then I felt like, Oh, I wasn't making it easy enough. Right? So it took on a lot of the responsibility. this was exhausting. And I felt like I was overworked and undervalued and I became frustrated in the process myself.
[00:03:15] What I didn't realize, so while I'm working hard to make everybody happy all the time, so there's a people pleasing element to this, right? people would say to me, it's not your responsibility, you know, like everyone comes in with different health complaints.
[00:03:27] The best you can do is show them the way, They have to take that path themselves, right? And that all made sense to me on a logical level, right?
[00:03:34] But what I didn't realize through that whole process is, when I think that it's my job to fix everything, It's my responsibility, not yours, then I see you as the victim. I put you into that victim place where you are helpless and you don't have the ability to do it on your own, unconsciously that's what I'm doing and you may be doing that as well in your life.
[00:03:54] So unconsciously you're saying, you don't have the inner resources, you don't have the mental strength, you can't make it happen without me. So I make you the victim. Now, like I said, it's unconscious. I thought I was making things easier for everyone. And I thought it was failing when they weren't able to make changes, and the biggest catalyst for me to change was that Once I could see that I was robbing their ability to step into their greatness right? I'm robbing your ability to step into your greatness if I don't think you can do it without me.
[00:04:23] If I don't think that you can step up, find a solution, tap into your inner resources, step up into your potential and prove to yourself that you can do it. I'm robbing you of that. When I'm trying to jump in and do it all myself, right? When I'm, overdoing it by trying to, take control of that situation.
[00:04:40] So, I'm stopping people from stepping up into their greatness. I'm stopping them from stepping into their potential, right? And that was huge for me, right? I could really see that I was trying to help them, but really I was hindering them. And I was making them into victims. And so naturally, What do victims do?
[00:04:58] So the victims felt like, well, I can't do this anymore. This is too hard. And I was so confused because I thought I'm working harder than ever. Why is this not landing? And then I'm getting frustrated, right?
[00:05:09] So what happens is. I became the victim I became helpless. I became powerless, right? And the victim who I had turned into the victim by overdoing it and over caring and trying to fix everything and make it as easy as possible, they became the aggressor. So I recently had this in my program and my group, you know, some people were unhappy and they were struggling, you know, they were really coming from that victim consciousness.
[00:05:34] It's all too hard. I can't do it. I've got too many limitations, this, that, the other, right? So the language, you can really hear it in the language. Yeah. And I just went even more hardcore on Rescuer and then they became the aggressor, so they attacked me. Okay, they blamed me, they got angry at me and this aggression helps to take control of a situation.
[00:05:56] And so I become the victim and then I become the aggressor and as you can see that cycle keeps repeating itself. Now we do this in our relationships, in your work, in your mothering, right? I see a lot of mothers when they hear about this, they're like, yeah, I do everything for my kids because if I don't it won't happen.
[00:06:14] But there's also that part where you don't allow them to step up and take responsibility for themselves. They're never going to learn that lesson. Yes, some things may be dropped and not done, you know? But eventually that lesson will be learned. They will step up and take responsibility and step into their power and to the greatness and be able to tap into their inner resources.
[00:06:35] But if we're jumping in and doing everything for everyone, we are saying, you can't do this on your own. And therefore, that energy, that dynamic is a victim rescuer relationship. And it's not healthy, right? It's not a nice energy exchange. And so the victim can become the aggressor and your kids can fight back with you and blame you for things.
[00:06:54] And then you feel unappreciated and you feel like the victim and the cycle continues. I say this in my work, obviously I'm, I'm focused on burnout and in health and making lifestyle changes and making mental shifts, and this is a big part of it, but I can see when people come into the program or when I work with people, the kind of language that points to victim consciousness, right? And I'm not saying this from a judgmental place because, We all go into these areas, but there is power in identifying if you're currently in that area, because you are not going to get the results that you want when you're coming from victim consciousness.
[00:07:30] You just don't win from that place at all, okay? You can't win by giving up, saying it's too hard, and then blaming other people in the aggressive phase, right? You, you're never going to win and get to where you want to get to. But sometimes we don't see it, and there's language points to it, right? So people will say, in that victim place, they'll say, I've tried everything and nothing works.
[00:07:49] It's too hard, I just can't stick to it, it's too hard. I don't have time for this, and no matter what I do, I always fail, Or I'm tired and I'm stressed to even think about changing anything in my diet and lifestyle. So that kind of language is very powerless, right? It's very helpless. And so that points to being in that victim consciousness.
[00:08:10] We can all change. It's absolutely a choice, okay? So I just want to bring awareness to this, if you recognize this for yourself. So when women come into my program, I highlight this, because I think it's really important that you see that you're going to, If that's your pattern, you are definitely going to step into that place during the program because you're going to be challenged, right?
[00:08:30] You're going to be challenged to take ownership, take responsibility, make changes, even when it's hard.
[00:08:35] And then eventually, the victim shifts into the aggressor and they become critical, they blame, they become confrontational, you know, it's like, it's because of my family, it's because of my work that I can't focus on my health. Nobody helps me. I'm stuck doing everything by myself. This is the kind of language.
[00:08:51] This program is useless and nothing anyone ever suggests works for me, right? I never feel supported. That's why I can't succeed. So that kind of language, points to an aggressor type. So again, we're going to move through these phases. If we don't catch ourselves, the only way we can change is by making a choice.
[00:09:09] I do not want to come from that victim place anymore. And absolutely. is a mental choice, okay? I can see now that as a rescuer, I can't really help people, right? Even though it feels easier for me to jump in and make it as easy as possible and try to do it for them, that's not helping them, okay? That's hindering them.
[00:09:28] That's not allowing them to step into their greatness. It's not allowing them to, see their potential.
[00:09:33] So, like I said, we fall into these areas and I can guarantee you that there'll be places in your life, maybe you're great with health changes, maybe you're great at work, but maybe you're the rescuer in your relationship, maybe you're the rescuer in your mothering, or maybe you're the victim, right?
[00:09:46] And so, these will show up differently in different areas and we do tend to be in these places in certain things that we do in our lives, okay? So, there's no judgment here, right? This is really part of this common drama cycle that we find ourselves in. So, the biggest lesson here is to really see that for yourself and that's when you can make significant change in your life, in your work, the way you run your business, in your relationships, in your mothering.
[00:10:12] the driver to these habits is for a rescuer we, we do these habits because we avoid rejection and we want to feel needed. As a victim, we do it to avoid responsibility and failure. So if we can avoid accountability, it takes the pressure off us, right? And we can put it onto somebody else. And as an aggressor, we avoid vulnerability.
[00:10:33] And we take control, right, by making, that emotional charge. We try to control the situation, okay. So an aggressor, there's an element of wanting to mask your feelings, but also wanting to control the outcome.
[00:10:48] And it's controlling the outcome because, um, of being able to deal with the outcome emotionally, okay, because it's all about suppressing those feelings. So, there are drivers to these patterns, okay, and these behaviours, and again,
[00:11:01] once we know what they are
[00:11:02] We can change them right? We can understand why we do the things that we do.
[00:11:06] We can understand why we're stepping into that rescuer role, but we can also see that actually we're not helping anyone by doing that.
